I had a coaching experience last Saturday with my mentor, he told me that I am not creating connection, and that I am distant to everyone; I am present and mingling with everyone but the relationship is not blossoming because I do not allow and give the impression that If someone hurt me, I’ll make sure he will also get hurt. Knowing this we came into a conclusion that I need to become kinder.
How to be kinder is now my dilemma. Looking back at my life, I look for the cause of my aggression.
1. Growing up, I am always with my grandmother. My parents both work in Metro Manila while I was young and my grandma took care of me during weekends. She is a strong woman, Widow of 2 husbands and was able to raise her 5 children. I describe her as a typical Filipino elder that easily gets angry and that her language of love is discipline. We totally understand that by that time, that’s how our elders really show love because that is how their parents show love as well. As a result they are hardworking, strong people and have very high regard with discipline. My two (2) siblings grow up with my mom, which is the time that she changed work; she had an early retirement and found a job in the province. I can say they are more charming than me.
2. Growing up with my mom is a breath of fresh air, she is very much understanding and we have a very high trust relationship. I was almost never afraid of her but I give her my utmost respect. As a daughter I am entitled to show and expressed to her my feelings and what I think, it’s a very diplomatic set up. Whatever I do, it’s in the context that I am just expressing myself and so I subconsciously though that everyone knows me that everyone will look at me at the same lens my mom used to. With this I got a lot of misinterpretations, from friends, organizations and even from work. I was not able to see that only a few families is experiencing the same liberty that I have in terms of self expression and that my normal self gives them an impression that I am aggressive, in the way I communicate.
3. I transferred to metro manila for my college education; I am a computer engineering graduate from the best engineering school in the country. In my course for every 3 boys there is 1 girl. Being around with engineers push me to know more about them, learn how to be like them thinking that I will protect myself better knowing their language and how they think.
4. I experienced 1 of my major loss during an organizational election. I held on the pain for 8 years because I believed that there are some people who did what they can so that I lose in the said election. I felt betrayed because they are the people I supported in their own time and it dragged my self esteem to all time low. I lost my relationship after and then I shut myself close from anyone. Now, after 10 years of that incident I came into a realization that by that time, we are just protecting our family, the organization, it was not in our intention to hurt anyone but it happened anyway. And it has been my personal ministry to always look after this family and guide the young one’s in serving our community
5. I worked in an ICT company and same scenario; I am working with almost all boys team. The key for survival in my mind is to be like them, strong and let them know that I can protect myself. My close friends usually gets a friendly punch as a greeting and they allow me to be like that, It gave me an image at work that I am physically aggressive and a lot of people got intimidated of me.
To sum it all I received all of my programming from the above situations and I know that those are already from the past. My awareness is now the start of me creating a new past. I want my new to past to be as follows:
1. I am compassionate. I can understand and easily see where the people I am talking to is coming from. They can easily relate to me and I can create a very strong connection to them that they will always meet me again.
2. I am a source of inspiration. People would want to be with me because I can help them see the possibility and work on creating that possibility to a reality. I bring out the best in other people and inspire them to reach for more.
I am thankful for the people who contributed to me in seeing all of this and I know these will all be worth it because I will be accomplishing my purpose in life of spreading HAPPINESS in this world.
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